my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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