Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Shame - the story of my life.
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