I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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