I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
