This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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