I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
