I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Randomize
