You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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