i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
