I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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