Me too!
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
