so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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