I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
