The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
