The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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