I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
