How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
