You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
