weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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