I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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