you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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