Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
