he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
