I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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