so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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