Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
