I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
