I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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