my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
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