I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
