and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
