The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize