My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
