you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
