He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
