morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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