Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
