In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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