why didn't you poke me back
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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