I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
vagina is talking i cant
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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