My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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