Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
