I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
