my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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