I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
