why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
