I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
