if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
