Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
