When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Randomize
