On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
