You really coming over, don't trick.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
