If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
